Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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