he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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