Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
