Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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