didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
