Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
