My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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