I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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