last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
