What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
