I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
