I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
