Ketchup is God's man juice
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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