Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
