Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
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you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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