I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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