Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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