evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You can't special order awesome
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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