Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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