Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
