I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
