I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
