found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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