I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
