The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
