Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
