I can tuck mytits in my pants
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
