I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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