I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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