The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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