I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
