Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
