i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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