Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
