She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
