In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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