I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
