My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
