so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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