my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
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Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
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can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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