five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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