What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
