Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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