I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I can text with my tongue
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
