my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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