Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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