yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
