he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Found the puke drawer
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
