he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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