There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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