Having a random hookup so left but love u
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
