There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
