I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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