so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
