Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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